Pan practice, a waste of time?

This post is really to vent, i prob wont feel this way tomorrow but until then……
Tonight at practice i kept asking myself  ”Why am i here?”. I wasnt ready, my section wasnt ready and i had no one to blame but myself.

the reality is that it almost makes no sense for me to turn up on a weekday, none! I dont get there early enough to give myself or my section any meaningful practice and yet… and yet…

At the end of practice i was ready to walk out and just leave the band for good ( a fleeting thought). But realy, why stay, whats the point. I am now at a point where i dread my practice days.

Now of course the entire band is seething quietly at the “slow seconds” but i pretty much ignore it…..  why? Because i know i am almost doing the best i can…….. but its that ALMOST that has me so %$#@!!!!!! livid. I give up a huge part of my time for the band. I don’t see how to give more and yet i am still behind. i know the issue now is finding a way to properly use the resource (my time) that i have allocated. Yet in this (thus far) I have failed…… and that hurts… as failure normaly does to any one. 17 practices to go and exams looming around the corner I am at aloss as to how to make things better.

Of course! hind sight, the maliscious bitch that she is, has shown me a plethora of now obvious things i could have done. but i ignore that wining old crone cause she cant help me now.

 

Soooooo what to do….. I don’t know, if i were a crying man i would cry, but i am not, I smile and i laugh and just wait for it to all fall into place or fall apart.

Today Into Tonight

Warning! This is a meandering post with no known destination other than to pour as much of what is currently causing turmoil in my head unto the screen.

Today I stayed home and remained in bed from 3am to 5:30pm… Getting up only to use the bathroom or drink tea. I am amazed I was able to do this… more tired than i realized…
In any case i still felt like it was a wasted day… there are so many things piled up for me to do that its ridiculous…..

I find myself in a weird space; thrilled by the challenge and frustrated at the people who expect me to pull it off. I feel guilty every time complain about stuff.. or use it to explain why some things aren’t done… the truth of the matter is I can pull it off… i just am not that focused an individual… so life go……

As i neared then end of practice tonight, my mind left the panyard and reached work… i was getting frustrated with the amount of things i had left to do…. but even more frustrated by the fact that my being successful depended on others and not just me….. sticky
In any case, with my mind having left the panyard my playing got progressively worst, needless to say, my annoyance grew… by the end of practice there was an endless stream of expletives running on Full blast in my head…… Most ppl seemed to have recognized this and gave me wide berth.
I love my pan peeps.

So here i am at work, blogging instead of working… simply because the most important things i have left to do cannot be done in the few hours i can spend here and leaves me too dejected to even start… and so i wait until the weekend…. Except I cant do anything on saturday because <insert stream of expletives> and i cant blame any one but myself…   sigh

Its weird, this jumping between a feeling total desolation and dejection to pure thrill and joy…. rather bipolar-esc of me.
Yet such is my personality, and it is partly why i don’t want humans around me when i am in this frame of mind… i find their sensibilities too fragile when faced with this wild shifting polarity of contradicting emotions and feelings…. sigh

Guiltiness!

There is a nervous guiltiness i feel almost daily and slowly the urge to run grows…
I know, however, that i will be forced top face whatever is causing it someday. I half dread and half welcome that day……….
Ideally I should face this cause head on…. deal with it on my own terms….as best i can.

Venting

Disclaimer: The purpose of the following post is purely to vent……. it will say many things I will not mean in the next 5 minutes and the language will offend some………………. I really cant apologize seeing that this is my blog but I can at least warn you to stop reading now.

F*CK! what BC F*CKRY is this… and you know the worst part you cant blame any one too tuff I know what I heard and they are convinced of what they told me……. this is the last F*CKING straw

I want out … really, Forget that last post… I am now officially tired….
I was extremely annoyed when elections were postponed the first time… nearly F*cking livid the second time… but i smiled and kept my BC coool… but now i am fed up… I want out….. I am done, <kiss teet>

<sigh> ok enough ranting.. you’d think i was a child……. I went to see Alvin Slaughter last week and he was saying that CEO’s and Presidents didn’t make it to where they were by avoiding conflict…… and I guess nor did they make it by bawling and cussing either… it felt good though
Its been a long day and I long for the feeling of accomplishing something…

Beware

When a man has purposed in his heart that no one shall take priority over the activities he loves
When a man has decided to stay as emotionally independent as possible
When a man has no real desire to take that ultimate step…. even if the reason is simply beacause it is easier not to

Be ever vigilant for such men as they live for the now with little regard for the future and as such their destiny is undecided.

Beware for such a man is selfish beyond compare.

New Pan Year resolution

To, as much as possible,  Do what needs to be done when I see that it needs doing.

Sh*t!

I find myself in a very sticky situation in the band, and I can clearly see all the wrong moves made to get to this point……. sigh.

I think its time I did the right thing……………

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling a tad bit pressured……….

VENTING

F man I get more work done at home or at nights than I do in the BC day!
Sh*t man!……………

Starget SG1 Season Finale? Colossal Disappointment

I guess those are the words that best describe how I felt about the series finale of Stargate SG1….
I did not mind that it did not end with the earth safe and sound… however it did end with what i considered to be a major cop-out a……… at a loss for words (at least ones fit for airplay)…….

You know what let me just say it as it is :

THE RC (really cute) writers pulled of one of the biggest BC (Beautifully Compiled) farce ever seen on TV… Absolutely No RBC (Really, Bold & Challenging) reference to the MAJOR characters who have been integral to the plot line for the first seven seasons, case in point; NO %%^&$#@!!!!!! (figure that one out for yourself) hint of Jack Oneil … WTF!!!!! (Wow!, Totally Fabulous).

LET ME NOT EVEN GET STARTED ON THE FACT THEY WIPED OUT AN ENTIRE $%^&$#@! RC BC RBC (See above for translation) RACE….. HOW THE F*** (Fabulously Fantastic) CAN YOU HAVE THE

Spoiler alert!

ASGARD COMMIT MASS BC SUICIDE @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!!@#$%&*!!@#$%&*!!@#$%&*!! @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!! @#$%&*!!

<Wooooohhhh saaaahhh> as I was saying… you have them commit mas RBC BCRCFRCBCRCBCCRCB suicide and you dont have O’neil in the picture EVEN ONCE the man who made first connect wid dem to begin with!!!!! ????? WTF!!!!!!

Don’t even get me started on the relationship between him and Carter………. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
(fantastically fabulous repeated).

I could go on and on as to why this “last episode” was a load of Croc Shit, a total cop-out … u know what, I dont even think it was a cop out… I refuse to believe that the SG1 writers turned into a bunch of Brain dead pieces of human excrement over night…… I suspect that Goa’uld abducted them and turned their brain into mush… that the only explanation I have for the load of Feacal matter I waited weeks to watch on Friday….

wooohhhssaaahhh