Why do i do it?

The other day I decided to start pay more attention to my spiritual life. On that same day (while at home) I ended up contemplating whether or not i should listen to gospel music. It was long battle with myself as I really was not in the mood for it… in fact i was very much in the mood for something down the other end of the spectrum… hard core Hip Hop.
In the course of this heated discussion with myself a question brought me up short… Why Listen to it at all?

DUM DUM DUM!!!

A simple yet profound question that had me readjusting my thoughts…the truth is (at least as far as i can see it) I had been thinking of gospel as something to gratify Me. While it can, and some of it is indeed  geared towards that… the real purpose is to glorify God.  So who am I to decide not to glorify God Because I am not in the mood?

Had to laugh at that point, Its always amazing how these simple quite question can throw a good dose of cold water in your face…
but i digress…

The amazing thing is that I now find myself less resistant to listening to it… I now know and accept why I do it,  and yet it is still an amazingly gratifying experience. I am not saying I can now go the whole day listening to Gospel or that i still don’t crave (or almost Prefer) other genres, but now I know why i do it.

I must point out that this is not the only answer, but this is currently where my level of enlightenment is. I am sure I have much more to learn.

As the great Socrates once said: “I know nothing, In fact the only thing I know is that i know nothing.”

Worship, Gym, Home

Worship
My spiritual life has been neglected for some time now….in spite of this, I have been constantly reminded of the concept of worship being a lifestyle over the past few months. It means me changing a number of things in my life…. but i somehow think it is possible… just for me to decide to start…..

Here’s to a better lifestyle

But what does living a lifestyle that worships God mean….. to be honest the full understanding of this has yet to be revealed to me but i don’t think I am ready for that…. one step at a time… set a goal, achieve it, then move on to the next one……
The blatant deficiencies that i know are in my life can be dealt with….. from there we can see what else needs to worked on.

GYM
Oddly what has motivated me to take this other look on my life is a combination of My trip home and the gym…..
To be honest my going to the gym now has me feeling like anything is possible….

’stop worrying about failing and just do it’.

That phrase is so simple and yet means so much to me. It is, i guess, the Big lesson coming out of 2008 … didn’t realize how much fear of failure held me back in everything i did……. I am not saying i am cured… it is still easier not to…. but for some reason i feel like a world of limitless possibilities has opened to me….

Here’s to new possibilities and maybe even new beginnings.

DISCLAIMER: these are not resolutions or my “mission statement 09″…. this just where i am now…. it just so happens that all these things started between nov. and now

HOME

I love my family… In my household quoting of scripture is standard… either in regular conversation, or running jokes,or in arguments (not really) or just random utterances…. U cannot stay long in my house and not hear scripture being quoted….
As a result while i was there i felt like i had lost my way…. i never was a walking bible… but i used to know enough to hold a a good discourse with my father… even if i could not remember the exact verse i quoting from. I miss those days…. and it was wonderful to be home and just hearing all this…
On the morning i was leaving My father asked us all to Quote our fav. scripture… and While EVERYONE… (including my 8 year old cousin) could quote word for word.. I was the only one to have an entire book of the bible as my fav… and i could not Quote 1 verse… needless to say I am gonna fix this… so Ecclesiastes Here i come…..
Off course My bother and my sister are the 2 COOLEST ppl i know HANDS down (dont tell them i said this) Sara’s whit  is unparalleled and Phillip’s way of thinking WAY outside the box is nothing short of AWESOME. Needless to say My brother was able to find the most radical verse in the bible to be his fav. Cant remember what it says exactly but essentially it says “Fend For Yourself”

DWL!

Only Phillip, Of course the look on my fathers face was priceless…. He had to just smile and shake his head… I think he is proud of his kids… and i would not be surprised if once in a while he pats himself (and Mom) on the back and says “Not too bad”

Yep I love my family.

Life and Religious mattters

No Expectations

I have always had times in my life where I have had many self improving Initiatives, and More often than not they fail.

This has lead to large part of me being un-enthusiastic about anything to do with Self improvement… no longer would i make an effort because, knowing myself, that drive or stick-to-it-ivness would not be sufficient to carry out whatever plan I had.
Now a days, however, I find myself trying again… but this time around I no longer have high hope of succeeding, nor do I find myself waiting to fail… I am at a point of No expectations. If it works it works , if not it doesnt so be it. Wether or not this is the way one should live ones life, i cannot say But it will be interesting to see whether or not this will work out for me or not.

Doctrine

I found out the church that i have enjoyed attending the most has, as part of its doctrine, a set of beliefs that I do not agree with. In my mind, I find that it marginalizes women. I must say throughout the bible the role and place of women in Society meets upon a common theme that I (for some strange reason) don’t like. Often people say that this is the case do to the state of society was at the time the bible was written.
However there is a nagging thought in the back of my mind…. what if thats what God really intended…. It puts me in DIRECT odds with He who has created all things…. I really dislike the way in which women are related to in the bible…
Added to that I have found the biggest defender’s of this to be women. Go figure.
It, however, makes me begin to Question myself. Am I wrong for thinking this way?…. if so where did I go wrong… where have I deviated from the divine plan…. an interesting dilemma that I certainly hope to find the answers for

Praising him

Yesterday I went with my SO to Swallow Field for their Perpetual Praise  celebrations.
Essentially its is a few hours of none stop praise and worship… To say it was GREAT would be an understatement.

My favorite part of any service is the praise and worship segment, however, from the get go I was not really feeling it. I had been feeling a bit out of it from before we got there and as i walked towards the church I realized that if I did not change my mindset I would not be able to enjoy the night at all.

Interesting Questions:
In trying to get myself in a proper frame of mind I realized something interesting.
How many times have I headed to a friday fete feeling a bit out of it and all i have to do is let myself go to the music and before long I am having a whale of a time?

Why then, is it so difficult then for me to do the same for a Praise and worship session I knew would be awesome?

Me and Music:
At a soca fete there are some songs that I will sing meaning every word of it… these songs carry a special meaning for me. A perfect example is my theme for this year: “Soca In my Veins Soca In My Blood“. This song more than any other truly expressed how I felt about this genre of music I really really love my Soca /Calypso….
Now, having said that about Soca music… it is hard to explain how much more Gospel Song reaches me… Not only do I love the music.. the words more than anything else carries significant meaning to my life.

Answer?
Having said that, it becomes even more puzzling as to why I cant do for gospel what it is so Easy for me to do for Soca.
Then I a struck upon an a possible answer; Was it because I was with My SO?
If so, why is this a problem. I have no reservations about enjoying a Soca fete Now matter how many times Trinibass and KGB look at me funny. Yet to go to  gospel event where there are people I know, I find myself being self conscious.
hmmmmm

Could it Be?
the next question I immediately asked myself was “Am I ashamed of the gospel“?
I dont think so… maybe to a small extent… but I don’t think it is enough to stop me from enjoying what I love.

After thinking about it I realized It had allot about being judged… I realize that in social circles people who seem to proclaim the their Christianity too vocally immediately become targets of  scrutiny. That I dont like… I want to live my life and have fun with it without concern for what ppl might say.

Then?
That, of course, begs the question why don’t you?
To be honest with you, I have no good reason….. Why should I care what ppl say If Friday Night I am At a soca Fete jumping and waving and First thing Sunday Morning I am Jumping and waving my hands in the air giving praise to the all mighty?
It concerns me because It almost feels Hypocritical… Not sure why… I love Soca music and I dont think it is a sin for me to enjoy it at a fete… yet….. every thing I have been taught speaks such events as being wrong…. Dilemma.

The voices:
In fact, that is the crux of the matter… on one hand I believe there is nothing wrong with enjoying a good fete with friends but there is little voice in my head that sees these things as wrong.. and as such Being ‘Judged’ only makes this voice stronger. The worse part of it is that I know that while that little voice makes me uncomfortable, It wont stop me from going to a soca fete. So…….. what to do?

Question:
The question that remains is born from my wanting to justify my lifestyle. However, it is a valid Question none the less;

How much of my feeling wrong about Soca fetes is based on Church doctrine as opposed to actual Principle and precepts that one should follow?