Pan practice, a waste of time?

This post is really to vent, i prob wont feel this way tomorrow but until then……
Tonight at practice i kept asking myself  ”Why am i here?”. I wasnt ready, my section wasnt ready and i had no one to blame but myself.

the reality is that it almost makes no sense for me to turn up on a weekday, none! I dont get there early enough to give myself or my section any meaningful practice and yet… and yet…

At the end of practice i was ready to walk out and just leave the band for good ( a fleeting thought). But realy, why stay, whats the point. I am now at a point where i dread my practice days.

Now of course the entire band is seething quietly at the “slow seconds” but i pretty much ignore it…..  why? Because i know i am almost doing the best i can…….. but its that ALMOST that has me so %$#@!!!!!! livid. I give up a huge part of my time for the band. I don’t see how to give more and yet i am still behind. i know the issue now is finding a way to properly use the resource (my time) that i have allocated. Yet in this (thus far) I have failed…… and that hurts… as failure normaly does to any one. 17 practices to go and exams looming around the corner I am at aloss as to how to make things better.

Of course! hind sight, the maliscious bitch that she is, has shown me a plethora of now obvious things i could have done. but i ignore that wining old crone cause she cant help me now.

 

Soooooo what to do….. I don’t know, if i were a crying man i would cry, but i am not, I smile and i laugh and just wait for it to all fall into place or fall apart.

hmmmm

This is my first Post post lyme, but i just dont have the energy to write about it, I’ll just say I survived it, people said they enjoyed it.
There were times i SWORE i was never gonna go to another lyme again. But you know what. I cant wait for next year, and i want to head the committee this time.
Already I am trying to get feedback as to what went wrong. In my estimation, this year’s lyme was ‘OK’ not great nor crapy, just OK.
Loads of work and tiring… I have to admit, however, that all in all i enjoyed myself

But next year! Next year i want it bigger and better, I finally got a glimpse of just how “interesting” it can get (thanks Rae). I realized that i approached the lyme as just a weekend to play games…. But alas it has potential to be sooo much more. I hope next year that i can raise the bar……

Let the creative juices flow.

Foot in mouth desease

So last night i had a severe bout of “Foot In Mouth Disease”.
The entire experience was somewhat surreal as i seemed to have and out of body experience watching my body being  racked from this most imbecilic of illnesses.
Of course the outcome, of any such illness, leaves one in a not so redolent assemblage  of feculence.

In spite of  this I am excited, provided I do not have a relapse, I do believe that this endeavor may prove to be quite fun.

Beat Pan!

Last Night Did HYPE. I have not had such a playout in tooo long…

I did mash-up and bun-out at the the end with nothing left in me…. I wish every perfiormance was like that

 

(can you guess i had fun)

The Rae outlined some of the problems with the playout and inspite of that I would Do it all again…. 
In any case let me state my views on some of these issues:

1.> Charging 1 hour for a playout we stay for 4 hours…..
sol.> If we have to stay to the end of a function charge them for duration… if we can leave right after playing then charge for the time we play.

2.> No food?
 sol.> Band should provide food for members (if needs be include it in the the fee) have the exec assistant deal with a new responsibility area called “member wellfare at playouts” (MWaP)

3.> No Drink?
sol.> Same as food

OK, Done i with this mundane stuff where was I???….

AH YES! BAD BAD BAD!

BIG UP TO THE BAND!… I honestly know i would not want to play with another set of ppl…. the vibe and pride we have in the quality of what we produce is unmached by any other band in the country. Honestly we need more regional exposure… we are ready for the highest level… even with all our faults. 

PANORIDIM TO DI RERL!

Of course after an event like this I am pumped and ready.  Did i say it was hype?

So we start of with the Roll it medly…. U know Jamaicans love that song on an irrational level….. so the mood was set… Our second set… OMG! A-Minor to Old Tempo to Band from Space…… WOOOOOIIIIIYYYYY! I nearly dead, I could barely walk of the stage… TRUST ME! SWEEEEEET. Its not something I would want to do often… but I LOVED every life draining minute of it.

Now with the lack food and sweet drinks I started feeling sick, almost like i wanted to pass out…. 
I have said this before, soca music has a life of its own, and it is no respector of the proximity of death of its patrons… It will hold you and and not let you go till you drop.
Add to the fact that i am performing on stage….. <sigh> .

When the last set began, I was a done, Finished….  My body was running on auxillary power…. and then music started (having chills as i type)…. 
You know what, i cant describe it… U would have to experience it yourself… all i can say being on stage playing soca infuses one with energy…. it is intoxicating.

 

In any case to sum up the playout, i’d say it was fun… just a tad

Disagreeing Agreeably

Recently i heard some in an interview saying that to work with ppl one needs to learn to disagree agreeably.

This skill comes with time. There are those who are born with this, but the rest of us have to work at developing it.

I for one am a far way away…

Today Into Tonight

Warning! This is a meandering post with no known destination other than to pour as much of what is currently causing turmoil in my head unto the screen.

Today I stayed home and remained in bed from 3am to 5:30pm… Getting up only to use the bathroom or drink tea. I am amazed I was able to do this… more tired than i realized…
In any case i still felt like it was a wasted day… there are so many things piled up for me to do that its ridiculous…..

I find myself in a weird space; thrilled by the challenge and frustrated at the people who expect me to pull it off. I feel guilty every time complain about stuff.. or use it to explain why some things aren’t done… the truth of the matter is I can pull it off… i just am not that focused an individual… so life go……

As i neared then end of practice tonight, my mind left the panyard and reached work… i was getting frustrated with the amount of things i had left to do…. but even more frustrated by the fact that my being successful depended on others and not just me….. sticky
In any case, with my mind having left the panyard my playing got progressively worst, needless to say, my annoyance grew… by the end of practice there was an endless stream of expletives running on Full blast in my head…… Most ppl seemed to have recognized this and gave me wide berth.
I love my pan peeps.

So here i am at work, blogging instead of working… simply because the most important things i have left to do cannot be done in the few hours i can spend here and leaves me too dejected to even start… and so i wait until the weekend…. Except I cant do anything on saturday because <insert stream of expletives> and i cant blame any one but myself…   sigh

Its weird, this jumping between a feeling total desolation and dejection to pure thrill and joy…. rather bipolar-esc of me.
Yet such is my personality, and it is partly why i don’t want humans around me when i am in this frame of mind… i find their sensibilities too fragile when faced with this wild shifting polarity of contradicting emotions and feelings…. sigh

My thoughts Today

Today I got up and was in a pensive mood. My thoughts ranged over a number of topics that concerned my life and at the end of it i felt an overwhelming need to blog….. needless to say, now that i am here the desire/drive is almost gone.. yet i will put some of it down in any case.

Opinion

I was reminded the other day that the problem with the current mode of communications that humans prefer (speech) is painfully inaddiquate, as such some ‘Opions’/'thoughts’ are best kept to ones self.

Leadership & Panoridim

Leading ppl can suck, as panoridim is quick to teach, however as much as i complain and claim that panoridim is one of the most miserable set of ppl i have ever met (i mean that affectionately ), I love them dearly. They are my second family.
As such, even though there are times they make me want to tear my hair out…. I wouldnt trade them for the world.

Mirror

Just the other day i recieved an email that held up a mirror and i did not like what i saw.

A little Knoledge

Have you ever head the term “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing”. Well i suspect that i am living proof of this… I once told my father (i was 17 i think at the time), when he asked me about something i had done that he disapproved off, that i was a teenager and as such hormones and an incorrect sense of selfrigtousness will lead me to do silly things. The truth of that mater was that I knew exactly what i was doing and why i did it….
My only failing as teenmager… and is still with me today.. is that i am a smartass and i believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that i know whats best for me…
The thing is I also know that such a view is silly… but i am iether too stubborn, or dont care enough to do anything about it.

MUSIC

Music is……. my panecea

Bieng a bass……..

A though struck me today……..

Before, when performing on pan (while i was on seconds) I used to be singled out alot as being a good performer…..
This year I was apart of a section that ………

You know what this post was to be about the difference between my time on the seconds section and my time on Bass…..
The difference in expectations and about being apart of an awesome legacy/tradition.

But i wont post it……….

In the shadow Of the greats

As most of you know I am on the bass section and at the end of the concert I was hailed and complimented and Called Bassey by many ppl……

And yet I feel guilty and unworthy… I still get nervous when I know both Hayden or Emru are watching me play…. Those two are TRUE performers with seemingly limitless imagination and daring…….
The True Kings of Bass.
I like the compliments but i cannot forget that I have seen what better than me can do.

You know what I find most sad though, the fact that just the way there is generation that have never seen Micheal Jordan play Basketball, there will be a new set of panoridim fans who have never seen those two play………

A growing wanna be pannist……

Last Thursday i was reminded by my section leader about the importance of giving %100 to the things you are committed to…. this applies to both work and pan.

But I digress….

I have noted an interesting change in my attitude towards pan.
Of late i put my phones away…not wanting any call in to interrupt me during the practice

I Want to Roll Better

I want to play songs better

I hear what the Director is saying

I am willing to try more

I am Less likely to think a mistake was mine

I want Drill songs more (by myself mostly)

Funny how I didn’t want much of this when i started… I look back and its like looking at childhood… no worries, no care beyond getting a tricky run… avoiding anything i thought would be too difficult to get…. now, there is a drive within me to play at a higher level.

I remember when Bernie had just joined the band and I was amazed at his drive to improve his skill… it was alien to me then…. now i think i am beginning to to understand and see it in myself… a small spark.. but there none the less..  and its growing.

Is this what maturing is about?