Awkward…

As i get older I find myself being friends with more and more married males but this raises a very intresting and awkward situation.
As a Rule i never talk about a friends SO in anything but a utilitarian manner… ie very nuetral and safe, preferabley not at all.
recently however I have come accross an aquantance how seems quite content to go on and on about how HOT his wife is….. now the reality is she is Hot… but I honestly don’t think he would appreciate the fact that I have looked at his wife in that manner.

This leaves me in a quandary as to how to respond to his statements…. I dare not agree with him… yet I cannot disagree… as a result i am forced to do nothing but smile (nodding not allowed). Yet even as i smile i must be  sure it exhibits no signs of lasciviousness whatsoever.

 

Now don’t get me wrong, I have no designs on this man’s wife… but there is a certain unspoken understanding of how men interact re their SO’s that this young man seems bent on having me transgress….. sigh

Father forgive them, for i cannot.

This morning on my way to work, I was listening to a  BBC program that interviewed a young woman who had both her hands chopped off when she was twelve.This is after  seeing most of the adults in her village killed.
Listening to this tale, my incredulous question was “Does Jesus really expect me to not hate these people”?
For all the sins i have committed that i constantly have to go back to him for forgivness for, never have i once hurt another human being in that manner. To tuture, to kill, to rape………… Are we really supposed to forgive these ppl.

I know in Africa forgivness and reconciliation councils are all the rage…. but really…. are they just gonna get away with it.

The interviewer asked the girl, “Are you angry?”. “”Sometimes” she answered “But i am not angry at the ones who did this for they were children too who did not know better…. I am angry at the elders”.
But then who is to say these elsers were not raised to do this as well? who is to blame?….. who is responsible?…. i dont know.

Last night i watched Law abiding citizen, fabulous movie… but then my friend spoke about a close friend of hers who was executed last week because of a dispute. And then it hit me that every single person killed in that movie was important to someone….. they were no innocents they all had done bad things, but still……

It is a sad world we live in and i am constantly reminded that we humans are little more than savages.

The heart is willing…..

Alas, it would seem that i too am getting old.

In the past 3 weeks (or 4, I mix it up sometimes) I have caught the flu twice, been so sick that it scared me enough to go to the doctor (for those of you who dont know, I HATE going to the doctor, so ye I was pretty scared) and i now have constant laboured breathing (the mere fact that i notice it is alarming enough)

All this are signs that my body is cracking under the demands i have placed upon it, strangely enough i cant fathom why.

There is a part of me that wants a proper illness, that wants me to be bedridden just so that i have legitimate excuse to stop…. why?… because anything less would be unwarranted. I am surrounded by a culture of constant self sacrifice and martyrdom  at both pan and work, and i already feel like a bum.

Now mind you I know I DONT want to be bedridden… that I know for sure, but every time i get sick now-a-days, there is a sense of relief…. now i can get a chance to rest.

I think i have reached the point where i now need to change my lifestyle to maintain any semblance of health… most men get here after age 50 with the aid of nagging wives.  But in this I am lost, Nagging wives are very essential to a healthy lifestyle it seems (no i still don’t want to get married ) I have the desire to change but no idea what direction i should go in.

Pan practice, a waste of time?

This post is really to vent, i prob wont feel this way tomorrow but until then……
Tonight at practice i kept asking myself  ”Why am i here?”. I wasnt ready, my section wasnt ready and i had no one to blame but myself.

the reality is that it almost makes no sense for me to turn up on a weekday, none! I dont get there early enough to give myself or my section any meaningful practice and yet… and yet…

At the end of practice i was ready to walk out and just leave the band for good ( a fleeting thought). But realy, why stay, whats the point. I am now at a point where i dread my practice days.

Now of course the entire band is seething quietly at the “slow seconds” but i pretty much ignore it…..  why? Because i know i am almost doing the best i can…….. but its that ALMOST that has me so %$#@!!!!!! livid. I give up a huge part of my time for the band. I don’t see how to give more and yet i am still behind. i know the issue now is finding a way to properly use the resource (my time) that i have allocated. Yet in this (thus far) I have failed…… and that hurts… as failure normaly does to any one. 17 practices to go and exams looming around the corner I am at aloss as to how to make things better.

Of course! hind sight, the maliscious bitch that she is, has shown me a plethora of now obvious things i could have done. but i ignore that wining old crone cause she cant help me now.

 

Soooooo what to do….. I don’t know, if i were a crying man i would cry, but i am not, I smile and i laugh and just wait for it to all fall into place or fall apart.