Ever so often when a friend of mine talks about leaving. In such and instance there is apart of me that stiffens and screams betrayal! .
It is a small voice and is easily and quickly suppressed (usually)
Lately, wen i mention my thoughts of leaving to my friends I notice a minuscule pause. Maybe its just in my head… but i wonder if they too are screaming “Betrayal!”
The other day I decided to start pay more attention to my spiritual life. On that same day (while at home) I ended up contemplating whether or not i should listen to gospel music. It was long battle with myself as I really was not in the mood for it… in fact i was very much in the mood for something down the other end of the spectrum… hard core Hip Hop.
In the course of this heated discussion with myself a question brought me up short… Why Listen to it at all?
DUM DUM DUM!!!
A simple yet profound question that had me readjusting my thoughts…the truth is (at least as far as i can see it) I had been thinking of gospel as something to gratify Me. While it can, and some of it is indeed geared towards that… the real purpose is to glorify God. So who am I to decide not to glorify God Because I am not in the mood?
Had to laugh at that point, Its always amazing how these simple quite question can throw a good dose of cold water in your face…
but i digress…
The amazing thing is that I now find myself less resistant to listening to it… I now know and accept why I do it, and yet it is still an amazingly gratifying experience. I am not saying I can now go the whole day listening to Gospel or that i still don’t crave (or almost Prefer) other genres, but now I know why i do it.
I must point out that this is not the only answer, but this is currently where my level of enlightenment is. I am sure I have much more to learn.
As the great Socrates once said: “I know nothing, In fact the only thing I know is that i know nothing.”
I finaly get it!
After resisting the urge to have a BB to “floss” I now understand its true draw. BB is a social Network/club that the entry fee is a bberry.
Slowly but surely I am becoming addicted to this device, and i find myself on it more often than not.Truly i am seeing the intoxicating draw of the “Always On” phenom and I like it :-/
My co worker just borrowed my charger because she could not afford to miss out on a convo going on on facebook…. much less being unavailable on the bbchat. Sadly I now realize I was wrong to think BB was a device for snobs, Directors and CEO’s. The truth is, it is that and more. In fact It is primerily a device for the Young Working class members of our society (mostly)… It is we who truly exploit its potential beyond constant access to ones email.
What does this mean for me? I am not addicted enough to buy one for myself, but now more than ever I know i will only be happy with a phone with a qwerty Keyboard and internet access.
So after scratching my van for the Umpteenth time last week I was Ready beyond a shadow of a doubt to sell it… I was tired. For those of you who don’t know here are the chronicles of the van thus far:
1. I ended up buying a van that i can barely afford (barely afford is relative… clearly)
2. Nearly ran over a man who insisted on crossing the road while i was driving… ended up having my side mirror hitting him
3. Three weeks after getting the van the clutch gives out. Had to wait almost 2 months to get it back
4. Three weeks after getting it back I had an accident with a trailer on Mt. Rosser
5. scratch the van repeatedly on ppls gates (it was much bigger than i was used to)
6. had near accident on barbican road
7. Span out on one of the corners while going up on Mt. Rosser
8. Had the van Broken into 3 Times (I suspect by the same person… and i have a suspssion he/she checks any night i am there)
9. Nearly ran off a cliff, ended up scratching the van in the process
10. Last week (thanks to “Pan in A minor”) drove off without thinking and created a great scratch on the side of my van.
I can tell you that there is a part of me that just wants to stop driving all together. <sigh>
But i got up this afternoon and Hopped in MY van and left for work… and it felt good.
After all that has occured… the fact that the van is almost a hazard and a HUGE finincial burden and I know that if I could go bak in time i would not have baught it…. I am glad i have it. She is a sweet vehicle and has never let me down. I had to give a little prayer of thanks, inspite of me.
So… while i am not overjoyed with the past… I am happy that I am where i am… and i guess in the end that’s what counts.
BTW I now rate my driving at 4 out of 10. Part of the reason i dont get upset at ppl bad driving me, is the fact that i know on any given day i can be absent minded enough to do worse… in fact it has happened. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” 
I am here because I feel Restless, and down, and like i have, and am, failing to pull my own weight….
Will this help?
Maybe not, but i would feel worse if i didn’t do it.
I have posted this repeatedly from time to time over the years and it never gets old.
“Wizards First Rule: People are stupid. The only defense against this is to acknowledge that you too are stupid” – Sword Of Truth book1
In other words, the path to enlightenment is to acknowledge your own frailties.
OK so I’m stupid, now what?
I had almost forgotten, no one wants excuses or reasons, they want results.
This applies to every aspect of life…
“Stop focusing on the problem and start thinking of the solution” – Zed
Got Pricked, Didnt’ like it.
Still suffering from an inflated sense of self and awaiting the pin.
