You see me?

People only see parts of who you are and embellish the rest…….. and so i wait for reality to set in… or should i take the initiative?

Special (pt2)

Every one wants to feel special.
We all want to know that the ones we are closest to see us as irreplaceable, that you carry an attribute/qualities that no one else in the world carries that makes you invaluable.

And we do, we all do, but we want to be recognized for this…. and sometimes recognition does not come in a format we like (or not at all) and so we reject it.
And that is is perfectly normal and acceptable (within reason of course)

Special

I have been told i make ppl, feel special. That is a gift God gave me i guess…
However, how special do you feel when you realize that i make alot of ppl feel special … does the value of the things I say and do diminish?

Some time ago i was watching my cousin talk to a young man on the phone, her tone of voice and choice of words was perfect. I knew that man felt as if he were the MOST important man in the world… After watching her i decided that i need to be wary of ppl like that….. In that i didnt want to end up feeling more important to someone than they truly viewed me. It is mechanism i have had in place for some time now.

I am not suggesting that what i or my cousin does is wrong. She is naturally taht way… and i like making ppl feel good, at the same time can it be wrong? If so, what should i do differently?

It is not my intention to mislead or lie, in fact everything i do and say is the truth… but there is the inherant risk that ppl may put more value on it than they should.
Having said this,  i would find it frustrating to find someone who rejects every compliment i give, I am not lying, what i say is my honest opinion.

I met a someone like that, a Very beautiful women who was an Expert at deflecting Compliments and making you feel stupid for giving them…. I sorta gave up….. I say sorta because I have just decided to wait and see if there is another way to give my compliments……… But it begs the Q… why is doing this sooooo important to me.

My cousin says I have buttered tongue…… although i think she is “creme de la creme” of people with buttered tongues….. Her gift, however is being able to talk to you with exclusion of all else…. she makes you feel like you are the center of the universe when she speaks to you….. I on the other hand just have words. I throw barbed compliments constantly… and i do it without thinking i just say whetver I feel at the time and it seems to come in a pleasing way. I am not saying I am a great “wooer”… I am not and i dont want to be… i say wat i feel like when i feel like it… thats it.

Feb 6… It has begun!

Yes it has arrived and the season has begun……..

I will blog about this at a later date… suffice it to say I feel like waking up from a long sleep……. in the words of the Great Machel Montano:

“This season is my time
Its a full cup an is hard wine
if you tell mi stop i go decline…”

Related topic: Someone asked me if i was going to mass camp this friday…. let me respond to anyone who may think to ask me this question in the future; whatever answer you give when asked “is water wet?” or “Is fire hot?” applies.     selah

Today Into Tonight

Warning! This is a meandering post with no known destination other than to pour as much of what is currently causing turmoil in my head unto the screen.

Today I stayed home and remained in bed from 3am to 5:30pm… Getting up only to use the bathroom or drink tea. I am amazed I was able to do this… more tired than i realized…
In any case i still felt like it was a wasted day… there are so many things piled up for me to do that its ridiculous…..

I find myself in a weird space; thrilled by the challenge and frustrated at the people who expect me to pull it off. I feel guilty every time complain about stuff.. or use it to explain why some things aren’t done… the truth of the matter is I can pull it off… i just am not that focused an individual… so life go……

As i neared then end of practice tonight, my mind left the panyard and reached work… i was getting frustrated with the amount of things i had left to do…. but even more frustrated by the fact that my being successful depended on others and not just me….. sticky
In any case, with my mind having left the panyard my playing got progressively worst, needless to say, my annoyance grew… by the end of practice there was an endless stream of expletives running on Full blast in my head…… Most ppl seemed to have recognized this and gave me wide berth.
I love my pan peeps.

So here i am at work, blogging instead of working… simply because the most important things i have left to do cannot be done in the few hours i can spend here and leaves me too dejected to even start… and so i wait until the weekend…. Except I cant do anything on saturday because <insert stream of expletives> and i cant blame any one but myself…   sigh

Its weird, this jumping between a feeling total desolation and dejection to pure thrill and joy…. rather bipolar-esc of me.
Yet such is my personality, and it is partly why i don’t want humans around me when i am in this frame of mind… i find their sensibilities too fragile when faced with this wild shifting polarity of contradicting emotions and feelings…. sigh

I am…… ok?

This is entry i wrote last year..  don’t know why i didn’t post it

I have been told MANY times that I do not know how to say no…..
I am aware of this

I have been Told MANY times that people may take advantage of this…
I am aware of this as well

And yet!…

and yet…

I make no effort to change…. not realy
I have created “RULES” in my head to dictate when to say no

If it hurts me… then I may say no
If I am tired….. then I may say no
If i realy dont feel like it….then I may say no
If I think it will benefit you…… then I may say no

In light of this I honestly believe that my ability to say no is well under control……… The great thing about it is that my Over inflated pride prohibits me for asking for…. almost anything….
And it is in this light I believe Balance is achieved…….

Ask for nothing
Give what you want
and {blank} everyone else

PS: {blank} = Forget

The glass wall

OK this is one of those posts about relationships … and yes its another one of  “those”

Last night, in talk with a friend, I was lamenting the fact that women seem to constantly beat their heads against the glass wall.
It is founded on the premise that women are usual miserable in relationships.
I have yet to meet a human in a relationship that didn’t have something to complain about. I have had many talks with women close to tears in anger or frustration about something “That Man” (or “boy”) has done or continues to do.
For a long time i was in shock… There is NO way that i would stay in a relationship with someone who made me feel that way….. NONE
And yet recently I realized that again it has to do with the nature of women, I was told “the more a woman loves someone the more worked up she is about that person”. Sue me but that is something i only just realized…….U get miserable with someone you love????

<rolls eyes> women!

But here is my thing, pretend men are glass buildings… there are some open spaces to some things you want and somethings you can do without, and there ore other spaces with perfectly transparent glass walls leading to something you want…..
Now, the stereotype I  am creating, after seeing something she wants, will walk straight into the glass wall…. Thats fine she may not have realized… what i dont understand is why oh why would she continue to kick and scream at the wall…. at what point will she realize the screeching only hurts both party’s ears and just MOVE on!

Why stay with anyone who constantly makes you miserable?

Its an interesting delima that has me scratching my head.

Gym-a-holic?

Tonight I was miserable and grumpy and hungry and cold and tired and frustrated and feeling like i  am not worth …. anything…
Tonight i wanted to tell ppl to &*^%$! and i realize it was all as a result of the lack of gym time….

Actual withdrawal symptoms from not going to the gym???

I desperately want to start back and i just cant get an ounce of time…..sigh

Early last week i contemplated dropping the gym as a means to save money… but now i realize its more important to me than cable….So here’s to a flow-less year (y)

Intresting Questions

Ok in my idle thoughts today these Q’s popped into my head and i decided to google the answers…..

Q1) Are women more prone to hate their jobs than men?

A1) From: http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2008/03/12/women-more-prone-to-depression-than-men-its-not-the-fault-of-feminism/

According to the APA, men and women aren’t so different after all. We’re both huge risk factors for depression if we have crappy, underpaid, unappreciated work. We’re both more stable if we have some independently attained stability.
The big difference is that women are still less likely to obtain some independent financial/career stability, and there’s nothing either “natural” or feminist-caused about that gap.

Q2) Are men more likely to commit suicide

A2) From: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/1998/11/981112075159.htm

Many studies have identified a strong link between suicide and diagnosable mental illness, especially depression. So because women suffer from depression at a much higher rate than men, they would seem to be at higher risk for suicide. But women actually commit suicide about one-fourth as often as men.

Talking- about leading people

It is so much easier not to.