My Baby Nav

My baby is gone and I am 60% ok with it…….. I want her back though……. Eventually.

Nothing to show

Since monday of last week I have work Overtime Everyday except thursday – saturday with a minimum of of 5 hours of work done each time……..

Can I tell you, I have NOTHING to really show for it……. and I keep feeling guilty about the fact that i wasted valuable time on those three days…….

My co workers are so much better at this than i am… they work 24/7 and they are producing results……
What am i doing wrong?…. I think i Idle too much.

How I’m Feeling

Yesterday I think i had my first EVER anxiety attack… rather interesting…
From the moment I got to work in the morning i could not stop thinking about…… everything; all that i had to do, all that i was doing….. essentially everything that was going ‘wrong’. The interesting thing about it is that ALL of it was in my power to change…. I mean everything. There was not one problem i could think of that i could not handle and i knew it…….hmmm

In any case later that night wen i was ready to go home (some time after 12) I could not leave the building as the Security was no where to be found, as a result I had to jump the fence, hurting myself in the process

By the time i got home i could barely move my foot….. my first thought when i got home was “now i have a legitimate reason to wallow in self pity” … I was serious… Fortunately my testosterone kicked in before i decided to call any of my friends in Med and i decided to tuff it out…..

Can I tell you I could not even lie down as it meant moving my foot… I sat on the edge of my bed for a good five minutes just trying not to curse from the pain……. Eventually I remembered I had some Analgesic gel…… THAT THING IS HEAVENLY. It took long to work but the relief was absolutely Divine. <sigh> I can almost cry from the memory. And so i was able to (very slowly) lie down.

I got up this morning with the foot still in pain but being better able to walk….. I am pretty certain its not broken (i think).
On leaving i slammed my finger in my door and i started to laugh……. I have noo idea why. It hurt though.

I hobbled to work and only just now completed a marathon meeting with my boss…. it went well. But can i tell you though, the same anxcious feeling is still riding me……… I want to RUN away just be away from any other human … its as if their proximity is oppressive… Right now as i write/type a co worker is on the phone and the sound of their vioce is hurting my ears, literaly.

I have no idea what is happening to me… i dont know why this is happening, but i figure it will pass.

OH i almost forgot.. I decided to mention the incident to my boss….. bad idea!
Now he is gonna fill out an incident report and speak to the head of security.
I am really worried that the guard on duty might loose his job over this… I am pretty certain whatever his reason for not being at his desk, it was a good one….. I never really meant for it to get that far… but the thought occurred to me that if i was caught on the security camera I wanted my boss to have a heads up before anything was said………  I keep thinking that there was something more I could have done, or should have done in trying to locate the guard……… I  really hate the Idea of someone loosing their job because of me, added to the fact there probably some policy or procedure i should have followed…. as we all know, in the real world ignorance is no excuse <sigh>.

Guiltiness!

There is a nervous guiltiness i feel almost daily and slowly the urge to run grows…
I know, however, that i will be forced top face whatever is causing it someday. I half dread and half welcome that day……….
Ideally I should face this cause head on…. deal with it on my own terms….as best i can.

In the shadow Of the greats

As most of you know I am on the bass section and at the end of the concert I was hailed and complimented and Called Bassey by many ppl……

And yet I feel guilty and unworthy… I still get nervous when I know both Hayden or Emru are watching me play…. Those two are TRUE performers with seemingly limitless imagination and daring…….
The True Kings of Bass.
I like the compliments but i cannot forget that I have seen what better than me can do.

You know what I find most sad though, the fact that just the way there is generation that have never seen Micheal Jordan play Basketball, there will be a new set of panoridim fans who have never seen those two play………