I’m Surviving

I feel Guilty….

When Most ppl ask me how things are I make it sound like i am having a horrible Difficult and Depressing life…….
I feel compelled to answer that way simply because its ‘fashionable’ to do so…..
The way things happen to those around me I feel Guilty about being happy with my life….

Now dont get me wrong…. I dont think my life is perfect… and there are things I am not happy with…. but I realize that all my problems are of my own making…. and I can make them go away if I just discipline myself enough…….
I have lived a charmed life and I look around me and I wonder what have i done to deserve such good favor … why is it most people I know are depressed……. and I am Scared witless that one day my fortune may run out………..
One day one of my friends asked me why is it i never confide in her about my problems… and I answered honestly that I dont really have that many…. all the ones I have are of my own making and either myself or Time will deal with it……… Her Problems are more urgent…. almost more real……

I perfect example was when I did First year Math and in a test all My friends in the class failed  with marks very close to 40% (UWI’s pass mark)…. I however got 98% in the test and I saw where the lecturer made an error.. I should have gotten 100%…….. But seeing my friends in such distress I realized that i couldn’t really talk to them about it….. they had real issues not I… I already had my A+…. so i decided to take the grade… their need was greater……….
Writing this now it almost seems like I have a superiority complex… but i dont…….. I just…… actually I dont know……….. I guess i am simply happy with the Life am living…. and this post is really a confession… I am not Mearly Surviving… I wont say I am thriving either….. but i am defintely ……. as B put it….. enjoying my existence.

My Father’s Son

I am my Fathers Son.

Last Night i called home simply because I hadn’t done so in weeks…… During a conversation with my father I mentioned  that i was gonna go back to work at around 10pm at which point he made a disapproving Grunt…… (He had been noticing that this was a regular trend for me)
This of course made me laugh… My father is the consummate work-a-holic….
He asked if I have a life..  and I laughed and told him thats the wrong question to ask…. at which point he immediately changed the Question (to the right one) “Are you happy with the life you are living?”……. to which I replied (truthfully) “yes”.
I went on to point out that he had no one to blame but himself for my work habits,…… He chuckled and said; “We don’t watch the time, we watch the calender”.

And yet I feel like i fall short of his standard… there is a “Get-it-done-ivity” that that seems to define how he works that I am severely lacking in…… I work when I feel like……. I just happen to feel that way often. Yet I hope one day to attain that…..
Oddly yesterday (as well)I was speaking to Co-Worker who said he didn’t want to reach too far up in the company because it would mean sacrificing too much of his life…. and thought to myself… whats wrong with that kind of life…… I enjoy being Consumed by what i do, its no less a life than that of someone who has a family… or an active social life……
As i said before the Question is not whether or not you have a life… but, whether or not you are happy with the life you’re living…..

I am Sorry

This is just a heads up… I am fast approaching the point where (social) human interaction is a colossal waste of my time… If at any time I seem rude or dismissive with any of you…. Please be a patient.. according to my work schedule I will be allowed the frivolities of a normal human life sometime Mid April.

A reminder.

So it turns out I am missing a deadline again…. Not entirely my fault…. but as I was telling my boss all the reasons why the application was not ready (taking the blame to myself essentially) .. He showed signs of being VERY annoyed… And then he said something I lost sight of…..

“I don’t want to hear why it cant be done”

Nobody really cares about the why and How… just results…..

So here’s to a reminder and may i never forget it again.

What I fear

I fear Disappointing…….

I fear not being able to give…….. what is needed of myself

I fear I may not feel… what is felt

I fear that it is worst when it is known, i don’t want to

I fear that hope may be held out… for something that may never happen

I fear that it will hurt……

I fear that I am ……….

Decision

Have you ever made a decision simply because it seems the best route to take at the time… but after a while you begin to second guess yourself……you wonder, maybe it was not the best thing to do…. maybe I will end up regretting this decision bitterly one day……
but in spite of these thoughts you know you are just too stubborn to admit you were wrong…….

Lines

There is a thin line between arrogance and confidence….
As thin as the line between insecurity and pride in ones self….

Yet in all this, without the pursuit of self improvement the barriers dissolve, leaving a mass of confusion

Tanya Stephens

Below is piece I wrote some time back and never posted…. needless to say tonight i was listening to her albums again… I really can’t put my finger on it…. there is just a way she sings/DJ’s/put her music together/put the words together/tells a story…… that I am totally enamored with.

Most People know this already But I LOVE Tanya Stephen’s Music… For some reason I can just get lost in her albums… Just Too hype…
I cant put my finger on it… but she just sooo…… Down to to earth and Blunt… kind of “Get To The Point” Artist that I just have love. The only other artist I have ever rated nearly this Much is Dianna King (notice a trend )

In any case, It occurred to me that I have been so Vocal about how Much I rate her that it is possible Someone I know will try to arrange for me to meet her If they could…….(my Friends have tried this Before when I took a liking to a certain Fame Personality…. and No it was not Paula ). Thinking about about it I have had Mixed Feelings… I mean what Do I say “High I like your Music….” really doesn’t cut it… I would love to get to know her… to delve further, so to speak, into the mind that produced such great music… yet, I have found that Often the Persona you here on an album is not the the same in person…. So if I do get a chance to ‘Lyme’ I may end up being Disappointed (i doubt it)