Of late I find myself feeling like i am heading in the wrong Direction
Doing things and Becoming a character that I think I may end up one day waking up realizing I hate…. the Signs of the ‘Spiral’ are subtle and small and not really evident, yet they are there…. More than anything it is a feeling… a constant creeping sensation that I am on the wrong Road and that I am on a crash course….
What to do? I guess changing course would be wise wouldn’t it? hmmmm……..
As many of you know I call my self the Seeker based of a series called the seeker of truth. Last night I was reading the first of the last three books in the series and I found that I was disappointed. Not in the Book but with myself. From I have started the Series I have admired that Character greatly…
I often saw a little of myself in him in book one. Throughout the series, as he matured, he became a true Hero almost epitomizing everything I wish to become.
I did not realize how true that last statement was until last night…. there were a few situations he found himself in that I have seen mirrored in my life and where as he made the right decision without flinching… I know I would.. (and have)… make the wrong decision. It is somewhat disheartening… To wish to be like Perfection.. I know its not attainable really.. he is , after all, a fictional character… yet.. I know I can try to Do more
And so I find my self labeling myself “The Seeker” knowing full well that I am not worthy of the title.
Every once in a while there is an urge to crawl into a shell and shut out the world.
That is normal.
Today I saw a father helping his son ride a bicycle and it struck me just how much things change as children become adults. Looking at how the little boy was looking with pure trust and admiration at his father had me remembering my younger days, when my siblings and I would race each other to see who first would get to take daddy’s shoes off as he got in from work… Fun days….. Now-a-days … Can you say AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN…. LOL sigh…. and you begin to wonder; how does a parent really deal with their children growing up? …. I guess thats why they love grandkids…. you loose allot when your child becomes an adult.
No Expectations
I have always had times in my life where I have had many self improving Initiatives, and More often than not they fail.
This has lead to large part of me being un-enthusiastic about anything to do with Self improvement… no longer would i make an effort because, knowing myself, that drive or stick-to-it-ivness would not be sufficient to carry out whatever plan I had.
Now a days, however, I find myself trying again… but this time around I no longer have high hope of succeeding, nor do I find myself waiting to fail… I am at a point of No expectations. If it works it works , if not it doesnt so be it. Wether or not this is the way one should live ones life, i cannot say But it will be interesting to see whether or not this will work out for me or not.
Doctrine
I found out the church that i have enjoyed attending the most has, as part of its doctrine, a set of beliefs that I do not agree with. In my mind, I find that it marginalizes women. I must say throughout the bible the role and place of women in Society meets upon a common theme that I (for some strange reason) don’t like. Often people say that this is the case do to the state of society was at the time the bible was written.
However there is a nagging thought in the back of my mind…. what if thats what God really intended…. It puts me in DIRECT odds with He who has created all things…. I really dislike the way in which women are related to in the bible…
Added to that I have found the biggest defender’s of this to be women. Go figure.
It, however, makes me begin to Question myself. Am I wrong for thinking this way?…. if so where did I go wrong… where have I deviated from the divine plan…. an interesting dilemma that I certainly hope to find the answers for
It is always nice to know that when you find yourself with views that go against the ‘norm’ there are people who see things your way as well.
Today A friend of mine asked me a simple question that annoyed me greatly…. not sure why it annoyed me but it did… and, without thinking about it. I replied in rather rude manner. What is most odd, is that while I cannot put my finger on why it annoyed me, I do not in any way feel a need to make amends.
