VENTING

F man I get more work done at home or at nights than I do in the BC day!
Sh*t man!……………

Crash

I saw the last half of Crash (the movie) last night. As the credits roled I realized I felt ashamed… a part of me was condescending at how ppl were. The rest felt ashamed because I realized that i was just like all those ppl in the movie….
I am just as quick to judge and assume…
I am just as quick to do my small good deed for the day and think that makes me a good person….
I am just as quick to thiunk about myself before any one else…

The movie also reminded me that;
every one who can be quick to judge can be just as quick to act indiscriminately…
Every one who is willing to do there small deed for the day can make a big difference ….
every one who is quick to think about themselves can be just as quick to sacrifice it all for another…..

Sad

It is sad how when I see some of my friends become more serious and disgruntled with life I take as an indication of maturity….. Maybe Life should always remain a joke .

I fight

The following is something I wrote long ago and i cant remember why I never decided to post it……I am sure I had someone in mind but for some I cant seem to remember who .. go figure

 

There are those who wish to show me only one or two of their masks

and I fight to see.. at least in my minds eye, the other side that must exist

on occasion they slip and for brief moments

I see… that which they show others

I see… that which they protect me from

and every time I realize

that these images of these masks I try so hard

to keep in my minds eye

are wrong… very wrong.

 

I am afraid that I will not be able to truly respect who you are

when I don’t know who you are

yet I ask my self am I ready to know

am I worthy of this knowledge

and the answer is quite often a shameful silence.

Age Difference

It may be strange but I view allot of people in the panyard as my peers. As a result, whenever i am reminded that some of these people I Lyme with aren’t even 20 it is quite a shock.

Which leads to another observation, there is marked difference in behavior of people of different age groups… Leaving work the other day I saw a group of ppl leaving and I instantly knew they were summer workers. Something about their Demeanor that just highlighted it

Getting to know people

I find that the pressure of a concert does more for ‘bonding’ between pan members than the summer lyme. It is now more than ever that i find myself closer to the members I never spoke to much before.

A bad Day?…….

A few years ago (actually almost 10 yrs ago) I decided that i would never have a bad day ever again… I believed (and still do) that declaring day to be bad predisposes you to ignore all the good things that happen to you and focus purely on the negative things…. Added to that, at least for me, I find that when I dwell on negative events more negative events start to happen.
As a result, whenever i decide to say A day was “bad”, usually due to social pressure, I actually feel guilty… almost as if I have no right to call my day bad…and I immediately begin to think of all the positive things that have happened…. At worst the most I will say is that I had a long day… that i can say without feeling guilty….
Needless to say, yesterday was a looooooooong day, between:

problems with a friend,
Missing work,
totaling my car,
and being locked out of my house,

I’de say “shity” might just cover it… and yet al through ysterday I kept feeling guilty when friends called with concern to see if Iwas OK… I mean I was shaken up but…

I sorted out my prob with my friend,
I got the day off,
I can finally buy a new car without pulling another loan,
the other person was not hurt & my insurance should cover the damage to her car
My SO got her scolarship
And I finally got into my house

Writing this I am smilling… to be honest, at no point did i think the day was bad… tiring and long… but never bad. I guess I have much to give thanks for.

TANGENT > You know the whole time the thing that scared me the most was the fact taht I could have killed the other Driver… the fact I could have died, to this point, seems ridiculous… almost like that could never happen to me. Clearly I am still young enough to think I will live forever.

In any case I thank God I am alive and thanks for the love guys.

Being Childish

Interesting events have left me again realizing how childish i am capable of being. Recognizing this has lead me to a kind of acceptance of these… “petty” emotions.
I find that now I just ask for forgiveness .. (or patience).. from those closest to me.

This, however, leads me to question what right do I have to ask my friends to tolerate my juvenile idiosyncrasies?