The heart is willing…..

Alas, it would seem that i too am getting old.

In the past 3 weeks (or 4, I mix it up sometimes) I have caught the flu twice, been so sick that it scared me enough to go to the doctor (for those of you who dont know, I HATE going to the doctor, so ye I was pretty scared) and i now have constant laboured breathing (the mere fact that i notice it is alarming enough)

All this are signs that my body is cracking under the demands i have placed upon it, strangely enough i cant fathom why.

There is a part of me that wants a proper illness, that wants me to be bedridden just so that i have legitimate excuse to stop…. why?… because anything less would be unwarranted. I am surrounded by a culture of constant self sacrifice and martyrdom  at both pan and work, and i already feel like a bum.

Now mind you I know I DONT want to be bedridden… that I know for sure, but every time i get sick now-a-days, there is a sense of relief…. now i can get a chance to rest.

I think i have reached the point where i now need to change my lifestyle to maintain any semblance of health… most men get here after age 50 with the aid of nagging wives.  But in this I am lost, Nagging wives are very essential to a healthy lifestyle it seems (no i still don’t want to get married ) I have the desire to change but no idea what direction i should go in.

Pan practice, a waste of time?

This post is really to vent, i prob wont feel this way tomorrow but until then……
Tonight at practice i kept asking myself  ”Why am i here?”. I wasnt ready, my section wasnt ready and i had no one to blame but myself.

the reality is that it almost makes no sense for me to turn up on a weekday, none! I dont get there early enough to give myself or my section any meaningful practice and yet… and yet…

At the end of practice i was ready to walk out and just leave the band for good ( a fleeting thought). But realy, why stay, whats the point. I am now at a point where i dread my practice days.

Now of course the entire band is seething quietly at the “slow seconds” but i pretty much ignore it…..  why? Because i know i am almost doing the best i can…….. but its that ALMOST that has me so %$#@!!!!!! livid. I give up a huge part of my time for the band. I don’t see how to give more and yet i am still behind. i know the issue now is finding a way to properly use the resource (my time) that i have allocated. Yet in this (thus far) I have failed…… and that hurts… as failure normaly does to any one. 17 practices to go and exams looming around the corner I am at aloss as to how to make things better.

Of course! hind sight, the maliscious bitch that she is, has shown me a plethora of now obvious things i could have done. but i ignore that wining old crone cause she cant help me now.

 

Soooooo what to do….. I don’t know, if i were a crying man i would cry, but i am not, I smile and i laugh and just wait for it to all fall into place or fall apart.

Me…(Right now)

The following statements are accurate for the duration of this post.

• Why am I here? Because i don’t want to be at home
• I am not unhappy, I am just tired
• Lyming…..not so appealing any more, but still kool
• Tired and easily annoyed
• Questions own level of incompetence and acknowledges one is FAR from superman
• Likes getting things done
• Works because it is safer than…….

Friends

“Don’t Follow fren!”

That was a common refrain I heard while growing up. It often referred to not letting your School work suffer because of those who you would hang out with.

But now that one is an adult one has to ask? what is more important your friends or your Job?
That, I have found, is not as clear cut.

The reality is one must find the balance, yet the balance is often elusive and we usually end up swinging from extreme to another (at least I do).

2007

I Kid you not!

2007 was one of the GREATEST years for soca music. I just listened to a mix that Started with Spread the Love and Ended with Higher than High….

sigh… MAD! SICK! SOLD!

Soca season is too far away :s

New song of the Month… maybe for the year!

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night (x3)
Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get OFF
I know that we’ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just loose it all
I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And loosing all control
Fill up my cup
Mozoltov
Look at her dancing
Just take it off
Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Let’s burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again

Lets Do it (x3)
And live it up
I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night (x2)
Tonight’s the night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Lets spend it up

Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Lets get get OFF
Fill up my cup (Drink)
Mozolotov (Lahyme)
Look at her dancing (Move it Move it)
Just take it off
Lets paint the town
We’ll shut it down
Lets burn the roof
And then we’ll do it again
Lets do it (x3)
Let’s live it up
Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock
Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top
Feel the shot
Body rock
Rock it don’t stop
Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock
Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday,
Saturday and Sunday
Get get get get get
With us you know what we say
Party everyday p-p-p-party
Party everyday
I gotta feeling that tonight gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good night
That tonight’s gonna be a good good night(x2)

Rambling

This is gonna be one of those meandering personal posts…. brace yourself.

• The Byron Cage album that i have has an amazing way of making me feel better….
  ♫It is to you!♫
• Today I was hungry at pan, and as could be predicted I got crankier and crankier as the night progressed.
  It’s amazing how the slightest thing can Tick you off when u are in the right frame of mind

• Constantly Being reminded lately of why i am on my hiatus……..
• I still want to leave…. Beginning to think i cant juggle pan and work.

There endeth my venting.

This is my first time being back at the office at this time and To be honest I missed it…. its almost like coming home. The other day My co workers were selling tickets to an event and they asked if i wanted 2. I, of course, told them no,  I only needed one. This caused a stir, “are you single Mark, You mean you couldn’t find anyone to take?” . I responded telling them that JPS was my wife.
Ever since that incident, however,  I have somewhat regretted it… I am not to sure i want my co-workers to have that image of me…. Mind you! it is the truth Work is my wife and Pan the woman on the side and they are very demanding and the truth is I don’t mind and i like my life as it is, yet, for some reason i dont want everyone in the office knowing this…. go figure.

That Time of Year again…

Yep its that time of year again that i prob would forget if it weren’t for the the constant reminders.

As usual My mood has tended toward being pensive, but with pan and work being as they are, I find wallowing in self pity is difficult. Instead, the dominant emotion is annoyance.

Mek Him Gwaan

The title speaks to a trait i have seen in some women… definitely in my mother and in other women who have been in relationships for prolonged periods of time.

It is the ability to know how to, as my mother says, “Pick your battles”.
As many women will attest to, men are prone to doing stupid things. Some women have the ability, however, to tolerate this “imbecilic” behavior. There are those who are born with a spirit of tolerance and long suffering that makes them predisposed to “putting up with his rubbish”, and there are others that will only learn through experience. This can be a painful process.

**** the world, Dont ask me for ****

There is something alluring about someone who keeps fighting against all odds.